


Out of Darkness Comes Light

by Plentysaid



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Broken Alec Lightwood, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm, Spoilers, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-08 01:22:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11636001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plentysaid/pseuds/Plentysaid
Summary: Ever since after Max's Rune ceremony, the dark thoughts clouded Alec's head, about Jocelyn, his childhood, they all came back to the surface, he was battling his own thoughts and falling back down a slippery path. He shuts himself off to everyone and won't turn to Magnus to help him, but deep down, Magnus knows just what to say.MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM AND DEPRESSION





	Out of Darkness Comes Light

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Shadowhunter's fic! This actually started out as smut, but took a turn and ended up becoming dark and angst instead.  
> Enjoy!

It had started again, ever since that night at Max’s rune ceremony, the thoughts have been niggling in Alec’s head again. He had grown distant to everyone around him, he had started locking himself away in his bedroom. He came out for nothing. No one. It was as though the magic had awakened the darker days. He couldn’t get her out of his head, Jocelyn. Magnus had tried to ease his mind, but to no avail. She was all he could think about. The blood. He could still smell it, he could feel it on his hands. Clary had told him she didn’t blame him, but he blamed himself.

  
Two days had passed since he had let anyone in his room, he had declined all calls from Magnus and Jace, Clary and Isabelle had tried to coax him out, they had lied to Maryse once she had gone back to Idris that Alec was taking his orders from the clave, that he was assigning the missions, but they were leaving him alone. Going out as a trio and reporting back as Alec, it was risky. An envoy could turn up at any moment, and if they did, it wouldn’t just be Alec that was getting in trouble – it would be them all.  
All Alec could bring himself to do was sleep, and even then, it wasn’t really a sleep, more like a walking nightmare. He could hear Clary’s words, every time he opened and closed his eyes, he saw her. Saw her saying them with that amount of venom. You’re a murder, Alec. Nothing more. You let a demon possess you. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. The words made him scream in tears, in pain. He couldn’t contain his guilt. It wasn’t just Jocelyn that had got to him. When he was alone, all the old thoughts came back to the surface.

The thoughts that had started when Max had been born, he was younger, but old enough that he knew what another boy meant. The way his mother and father spoke about Max – he was better than Alec and Izzy, he was a fast learner. He could walk and talk before the other two had, he had slowly become the apple of both the Lightwood’s eyes. Alec watched as he and Izzy were pushed harder, to train longer, he had gone from the best to being the boy that could never do anything right. When they took Jace in the thoughts creeped back, stronger, the voices, he was always better than Alec – had been trained from the moment he could walk. There was nothing that Jace couldn’t do. He got approved for missions first, he was given the grey book to study more than he did – always had new runes to show off first, and Izzy wasn’t far behind. It didn’t matter that Alec was top of his class, his form was always perfect. He had integrated amongst Mundanes when he needed to, he was never Jace – never Max. he was just… Alec Lightwood. Disgrace to the family name.

Just after he turned fifteen was when he first felt like this, he felt angry all the time – he used it in his weapons classes and defence classes. He used it in combat training, took his anger out there. It wasn’t enough. He could feel it building and building every time something became too much. He found himself watching a Mundane film, some film about a serial killer who tortured people. He saw himself on screen, as one of the accomplices to this man – the way she was treated, the way she felt, and he watched her. He watched her pull out a small box from under her bed and mutilate herself. Alec couldn’t understand it, not at first, what a backwards way to supress rage. He had been taught to control his emotions, but he wasn’t able to anymore.

Days past and he thought about that scene, he thought about what she was doing. The relief she seemed to find from doing this to her, well, Alec needed that. He found himself out in the mundane world once more, this time in a pharmacy, picking up a small pack of razor blades. He did it automatically, he grabbed them straight off the shelf and put them on the counter, the man behind the counter started talking, giving him what he would assume was mundane advice, but he tried to ignore him. He needed them for shaving – why else would he buy them? He was too defensive, he knew, but he pocketed them and made his way back to the Institute. He locked himself in his bathroom and choked back tears.

Alec Lightwood had never cried in his life. He wondered why he was doing that now. He looked around the bathroom, slid down the door and held himself, sobbing, feeling the rage the sadness – the confusion, all rising up his throat. He thought about everything. His training with Jace – he had wanted to be parabatei, but he loved Jace. Romantically, he wanted to kiss him, hold his hand, just be with him. He knew that wasn’t acceptable behaviour, he knew that. He couldn’t stop feeling sad, he couldn’t stop this nagging feeling inside his head. He didn’t understand what he was feeling, he couldn’t put it into words what he was feeling. He just didn’t want to feel like it anymore. He pulled the small box out from his pocket and stared at it, he choked back a sob and pulled one from the packet, wrapped in paper, he stared at it. It was so small. Could it really take away his pain? He undid his trousers, pushed the halfway down his legs, just above his knee and stared at them. He didn’t want anyone to see. He didn’t want to get in trouble. He needed this.

Alec’s couldn’t control the shaking his hand was doing, he put the blade against his skin, pushing it across, he cried out in pain, choking back a scream. It hurt, but it hurt less than he thought it would. He could feel a relief sweep over him, his hand shook as he removed the blade from his leg, the blood started slowly, seeping out like a wave. He felt his shoulders relax and he rested against the wall, the tears falling down his cheeks, slowing as he realised what he had done. He slid himself over to the sink, pulling his first aid kit out of the drawer under his sink and cleaned his leg up – he tried not to get blood everywhere. He cleaned himself up, stuck a gauze pad on his leg and hid the little box away where no one would check and cleaned his face, he left his bathroom and went into the weapons room, the dulling pain in his leg calming him slightly.  
That carried on for a few years, he would hide himself away, shut himself away from the world. No one ever knew, because Alec was still as composed all the time. He would make his way through the world with no one knowing. No one suspected Alec’s devastation – he never showed his emotions outside, but when he and Jace became parabatei it all changed. Alec was no longer alone, Jace could feel his pain, he had to stop. He just filled with more rage, got angrier when he fought, when he trained. He had never touched the pack since.

Except, now all he wanted was to see if that pack was still there. He felt as though he was in withdrawal. He needed to feel that release again. He had got no energy. The words murderer, not good enough, they all ran around his head. Clary’s comments, his Mother’s comments about Magnus, about everything made him nauseous with dread. He stood up, padding towards the bathroom and locking himself in, going under the sink and tucked behind the U-bend, he found it. it was covered in dust, but it was still there. He pulled it out and sat against the door, sliding out of his trousers once more. Alec looked at the fading scars on his leg, he had never used his healing rune for them – he needed to feel them. He took a razor out and held it between his hands, closing his eyes, he thought of Magnus – of what he said yesterday, or the day before. Alec had lost track of the days. He had promised him he would tell him if things ever got that bad. How could he let him know that he was so weak? Giving up so easily – not even trying. He closed his eyes and blinked back the tears.

Why was it only in this spot that he was so vulnerable? He wiped them away and unwrapped the blade once more.

“Alexander,” the familiar voice came from his bedroom, it jolted every fibre of his being: Magnus. He was here. Why? He put the blade on his trousers and wiped his eyes. “I know you’re in there. I just want to sit out here,” his voice was calm. Alec thought he was alone. He could only hear his boots, he could hear him sit down on the other side of the door and sigh.

“Take your time, Alexander. I… I don’t know what you’re doing in there, but I know that I’m not going to stop you. If you need to do whatever it is you’re doing, I’ll understand.” His voice was… Magnus, through and through. His voice was soothing. It was Magnus and he was there. Alec looked at the razor on his leg and clenched his eyes shut. Magnus wasn’t judging him. He was going to let him do this. Why?

“Why? Magnus, I… Do you know what I am doing in here?” He couldn’t control his voice, the fear, the lack of control in his voice.

“I can guess, Alexander. You said you would tell me. Ignoring my calls isn’t telling me. I just want you to be okay. I will clean you up. I will help you.” Alec could feel Magnus’ head against the door. “I know that it’s hard sometimes. I saw the marks when we… I didn’t say anything, but I knew, Alexander. I knew.” Alec took a deep breath and slid away from the door, unlocking it. Magnus was inside and had Alec in his arms in a matter of seconds, kissing his hair, smoothing it down. Alec sobbed hard, his hands clinging onto Magnus’ arms. He needed Magnus.

“I know what it is like to feel so lost, Alexander. If you ever need this, tell me, and if there’s nothing else I can do to stop you needing to hurt yourself, then let me clean you up.” He kissed his hair and felt Alec nod against him. He knew that Alec wouldn’t try again. If he did, Magnus wouldn’t hide the implements – Alec could do something much worse if he wasn’t controlled.

“Let’s get you in the shower, we’ll go out for dinner – wherever you want,” he said, starting to pull Alex’s clothes off him and his own, stepping in the shower and sitting them under the rays, letting the water wash over Alec, letting him try and feel something other than his pain.

Alec could still hear the voices, they were niggling in the back of his mind, but Magnus’ voice and the feelings he felt for him were over-powering them. For now, at least.

 


End file.
